Tale of a meandering homeschool mom-

1) meander. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000. 2. To move aimlessly and idly without fixed direction:

I am a homeschool mom. Yet, you might have wondered at the lack of 'back to school' posts here on my blog. Well, I have been struggling this year with my whole homeschool outlook. As summer drew to a close this year, for the first time since we began this adventure called homeschooling, I was not excited about the upcoming year. I tried to drum up some excitement as September loomed over the horizon, but I came up with zip, nada...

I battle a sort of educational dual-personality complex; I admire and agree with a more 'classical' approach to education. Ancient classics, Latin, real British history, logic and rhetoric, Shakespeare with a decided Charlotte Mason bent...'living' books vs. textbooks when applicable, nature study, short lessons, half the day left for play and exploration. I found Ambleside Online last year and felt like I had come home.

However, my free-spirit, gypsy-like ways somehow impede all of my lofty goals and ideas. I come to an impasse with my soul-life again and again every school year, and this year the whole struggle and feelings of shortcoming overwhelmed me.
This year I gave up the Ambleside Online scope and sequence for one not classical but big on providing everything you need in one very big binder, including a schedule. (I noticed long ago my lack of ability to stay on task) This schedule, I decided would be my sustaining power amidst my wandering inclinations.

I hope I am not painting a totally inept picture of myself as a homeschooler; I do manage to get done the important subjects that need to be done-and even add in fun and interesting subjects. We homeschool through a home-based charter school here in California, and the school has been satisfied with what we do. I do feel many educational experiences get passed over though, because of my structureless ways and here is where my feelings of inadequacy play in.

Two weeks ago I dutifully did my planning, gathered my books and even sat down and made a schedule for our day-figuring in all I wanted to accomplish and ending at a respectable time to allow for creative play. I had visions of blogging a smooth-running day, posting pictures of the different subjects we covered at their appointed times. You can guess at the outcome, I am sure. Hubby called at lunch to see how it was all going, and talked to a very depressed, demoralized wife. We started an hour late (and I can never tell why...things just happen and it gets later and later) and it just fell apart from there. My emotions that day ranged from deciding I am such a failure at my life...(lunch time) to giving up and keeping my unstructured lifestyle (we did get everything done, it just took all day in short unpredictiable spurts) sing with me-"I've just got to be me!..." by dinner time to calm determination to just keep trying to nail some structure. I decided to stick with the calm determination...my civil engineer husband (read logical/linear) supported this approach.

The thought I wanted to leave with today is this: I was able to attend our Wednesday night ministry meeting tonight and the subject was "Living in the reality of the Body of Christ through the experience of the Cross." I was really touched by this point-

we do not want to be guilty of ignorance of the experience of the cross. We need to see the revelation that our old man was crucified with Christ-Romans 6:6, Galatians 2:20. This includes the entirety of my old being. I may not have the feeling or experience of it at this moment, but it has already happened.

The rest of this week, I will forget my self, cease struggling and simply walk in newness of life.