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the daily hate call

My phone rings, I glance at the clock and see the time is 9:10 A.M. and as I reach to answer it, I steel myself for what I will find on the other end.  My heart is pounding, I tap my foot in time to the chanting in my head of “not today, not today, please not today…” and of course, it is today and we are on day 5 of grandpa’s daily hate hour.  My grandmother’s warbly, tear-strained voice is in my ear, she is crying, grandfather is yelling at her in the background and grandmother says the words again, “your grandfather’s been to the bank this morning…”

It’s day 5 of week three in our own private Orwellian treat, breaks courtesy of the bank being closed on Sunday and the peaceful mornings when I whisk grandmother away to my house so we can all “rest”.

Grandfather’s dementia has made him forget many, many things- except, curiously, his ownership of money.  He cannot remember his children, his parents, places he’s lived, friends,- beyond the personal bubble of his wife, his things, and his bank account -there is nothing else.  He likes to bring out a small photo book to show us, photos of his things- his planes, his boat, how he used to go lobster poaching.  The only person in the book is holding up a lobster, a prop- the person, not the lobster, that is.  It’s very, very sad- except when he lashes out at grandmother and then I am very, very angry. I’m also helpless, hostage to a process I don’t understand, a future I cannot predict and of relationships I can’t untangle.

Grandmother is hysterical, grandfather is shouting in the background, threatening to drag her to the bank and “make her put his money back”.  I try to calm her, I tell her, again, to not argue with him, to stop trying to explain to him, to just go lock herself in the bathroom.  I grab my keys and head out the door to make the 1 hour drive to her house.  I give out quick instructions to Demi and Amie as I rush through the house, grabbing things, “do 40 minutes of Aleks Math online, master at least 4 things and do your Veritas press History online lesson. I’ll be home by 3, there’s turkey in the fridge and somebody please walk the dog- and oh, don’t forget to practice the piano and then work on your creative writing stories!”….and I’m out the door.  I call my sister while in the car, to update her on what is happening, knowing that today she cannot run over because she is on a field trip with her youngest.  I tell her I am heading down there, to calm her, in case she received a hysterical call also.  Later, at the half-way point, I call grandmother to let her know I am almost there, and to check in.  She is calmer now, weepy, but calmer.  Her voice is slightly slurred, so I ask, “how many valiums have you taken, grandma?”  She tells me 3, and I wonder to myself how many it takes to overdose, and wonder if she would ever take too many on purpose.  Grandmother tells me she is okay, and happy that I am on my way, because she is hoping I will move all their savings back to the checking account and make grandfather stop screaming at her.  But, I can’t do that, and I feel horrible about it. I call my sister back and ask her if she thinks, after 60 something years of domestic abuse and sadness, would grandmother try to overdose on purpose?  My sister does not think so, not after all she has endured already…but I know, deep-down, that depression is senseless.  I drive faster.

And then, …and then it is an hour later and I walk into the house and grandmother’s face is puffy, her eyes red.  Grandfather is delighted to see me, a visitor!  Do I know how old he is?  He is 90!  Grandmother tells me he has calmed down, and that she can’t go home with me, she is worried about what he will eat if she is gone and worried that he might go for a walk and get lost.  She’s happy to see me, everything is better now.  Grandfather is happy to have a visitor, he doesn’t really know who I am.

I take grandmother out to lunch, to get her away from the oppressiveness.  I take her to the store to buy a few things to eat.  I ask her if she’d like to buy some soup, since she just had dental work and her teeth hurt.  “Oh no,” she says, “we don’t ever eat soup anymore, he doesn’t remember that he likes it.”

“grandmother”, I say, “Do YOU like soup, it doesn’t matter if grandpa doesn’t, he can eat something else.”  she hedges about it and puts the soup back, like I knew she would.

I take her home, grandfather is delighted to see a visitor.  He asks me, “do you know how old I am?”  and I guess wrong on purpose, so he can surprise me by saying “I’m 90 years old!”  and I fake disbelief because he looks so young…

and then, I get back into my car and drive an hour back up the 91 freeway.


It’s the next day, the phone rings, and it’s 9:30 a.m. and my heart starts beating fast

About the author: Jenn; red-hair, warm heart, cold hands. homeschooled five children and lived to tell the tale.

{ 5 comments… add one }

  • Hevel June 9, 2014, 4:28 AM

    Dementia is an awful thing. Even the most gentle, loving people can become difficult opr even agressive as they lose control and get confused about the simplest things. I am so sorry you all have to go through it, and I’m so sad for your grandmother.

  • Dad June 13, 2014, 8:09 AM

    So sad. This sounds like Groundhog Day at the Overlook Hotel (The Shining).
    Encourage your Grandma to try redirecting Grandpa’s obsession with things that must be done first, like; “Before we go to the bank, we have to eat lunch first” “Before we go to the bank, we need to shower” “Before we go to the bank, we have to change our clothes”

  • Karen sue June 15, 2014, 5:33 AM

    So sorry. I read this before but couldn’t comment at that time and I really wanted to offer you some encouragement. I wish I could offer you a hug too but miles make that pretty impossible. The friend that I lost to breast cancer a while ago ,together with her sister had their mom tested for Alzheimer’s and was then medicated as long as it was helpful. Her mom is forgetful in action now but is really pretty pleasant when I’m around. Others get nasty and its then a double battle. At twenty do we ever guess this could be the better or worse part your vows? As we age, so do our situations. From sick kids to sick parents and grandparents. It doesn’t seem to end. Remembering your struggles. Hoping for peace for you just for today.

  • starlene June 22, 2014, 4:56 AM

    Oh, Jenny! I’m so sorry that things are so difficult for you, your grandma, and your sister. It really sounds exhausting in every way. Big hugs to you!! And lots of love.

  • Vickie July 31, 2014, 7:17 AM

    I saw above that your grandmother has moved in with you and you’ve had some court proceedings to sort things out. not sure what the current situation is, but I want to say I’ve been there, with my own parents and while homeschooling my children. No one was physically harming anyone, but there were similar crazy issues. I actually had to move in with them with my children while my husband stayed back to work. Every situation has its own demands and quirks. As if you’re not already aware, I will warn and remind you to somehow put your children and husband first. I know that sounds insane and impossible. And pray a lot. Of course, it is helpful for children and husbands to be giving, charitable, and understanding, but they can’t be put on hold ALL of the time. I bordered on this for awhile,and am paying still, in regard to one of my kids, who was at a crucial stage. My father has since gone to the Lord. I loved him dearly and still do. I remember him as he was before and I know he loved me. And now that he is healed and whole in heaven, he knows again that I have always loved him and understands that everything I did for him that he disliked, I did out of love—including when I gathered all of his keys and checkbooks and loose checks from all over the house (while he was briefly hospitalized) and imbedded them in my sister’s house when she was at work so that NOBODY knew where they were until I told her later so that she could get the finances in order.

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